You retelling of Tales of a Parrot: Four Rich Persons who Became Poor was fun to read! In your story, you maintained the original message and had a similar plot. I did notice the changes you made to the writing to create a modern feel. There were a few things that were confusing to me. In the paragraph were the girls are on their journey, do all four girls stick together until the gold shoes? After the gold shoes appear, the fourth friend decided to continue on her way by herself? Or are they girls separating one by one based on the outcome? If possible, details could be added into the paragraph to clarify the missing gaps! Also, you could also expand the story at the end! Was their relationship mended after they went to the city? Did the girls behavior change? These are a few recommendations, and I hope this helps!
First off, I thought your site was really easy to navigate and I also like how you have a table of contents on the home page as well. I was really excited to read your stories whenever I saw they were Gossip Girl themed, I’m a fan of that show and that was a theme I contemplated doing when I started my portfolio as well!
I love how you set up your Adam and Eve story, and how the tone of voice you used was more casual-gossipy, I feel like if your reader has seen Gossip Girl they would definitely read it in her voice. After reading your author’s note, I think you were successful at updating the language of the story you based it off of! Also, have you considered maybe moving the picture of the spider up? Or even changing it to a modern-day picture of Adam and Eve? I felt like I almost missed it since it was after the author’s note, but just an idea.
Hey there Madeleine! I was drawn in to your project quickly when reading the title. I thought that your homepage was bright, inviting, and matched the theme of what you were going for really well. Upon checking out the rest of your site, I was happy to see that the bright theme continued throughout. You stories are well written, easy to read, and I really enjoyed your author's notes at the end. One thing that you might consider is making the stories seem to be told a little more dramatically in tone, or even throwing in some modern day lingo or phrases just to make the page seem more gossipy. Another tip would be to put a little more emotion in the stories that you are telling. As someone who is narrating don't be afraid to express how shocking or crazy something is to you as someone from the outside looking in. Overall, you did such a great job and I can't wait to check out your project again in the future!
I just wanted to start of by saying wow, I loved Gossip Girl and I am so glad you a doing your project with this theme. I have read both of your stories, Adam and Eve as well as the Four Best Friends. I like that you made Adam be the one who eats the forbidden fruit first. In all versions told, it was always Eve who was the temptress. It is a nice spin to make Adam. I also like the change of the serpent to the black widow. To me black widows is general associated with the female entry (probably because of the Marvel character). This way it bring back the femme feel of a woman (the black widow) tempting Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. This is the way I took the story haha. It is probably different than your intention. I also like the Four Best Friends Story. The end felt like a nice lesson story. It told the girls to go back to the city and work on their friendship instead of being consumed by wealth. Great job on your story so far!
First off, great title for the whole blog. I would bet almost every girl chooses to read your blog at some point, just based on the title. When scrolling through, I immediately picked your story because I love gossip girl and was excited someone created a storybook like that.
Great job on your recreation of Adam and Eve. As I was reading through, the style of your writing made the story more interesting. I enjoyed how your said "multiple sources". This made it feel more similar to a gossip blog. I think that it would be interesting to add who your sources were, and why you find them reliable, if you do? Along with more explanation of the sources, I think more drama in your stories would be interesting. Maybe you could add some more bold words, all caps, or punctuation to make it more intense.
I thought your authors note was great. I am going to use yours as a base for mine on my upcoming stories. I think it s very easy to write a short authors note that doesn't help the reader like it should. Yours on the other hand, really helped give a backstory and explanation of where your story came from.
It's cool how you've structured your stories through the central narration of the "Gossip Girl!" I really like how Adam is the instigator of trouble in your version. I've always felt that it would have been the man (aka Adam) who would have been naive and greedy enough to believe the evil creature persuading him to eat the fruit. The idea of the garden freezing over was also very unique - and it explains why no one could ever locate such a garden! On a personal note, I took Laura's Epics of India class last semester and my storybook project was based around Adam and Eve, so I am particularly drawn to reading other people's interpretations of their story now! :) A few editing notes: Be careful of over-using semicolons. While they are certainly a useful and legitimate form of punctuation, it often reads smoother to have several shorter sentences, rather than long sentences continually strung together by semicolons. Also take care to vary your syntax; there was one part where you used the word "specific" three times in two side-by-side sentences.
Hi Madeleine! I think it is so awesome how you have your portfolio organized! It is not only engaging, but it is simple. Your stories are relatively shot and easy to understand. I think both of your current stories are great. I also saw that when you comment on other people's walls you sign off as Gossip Girl! That is so creative. Back to the stories, the biggest wow moment for me is the creativity in retelling the stories. You modernize them and make them relevant. I wonder how Gossip Girl feels about these stories. It may be fun to add texture to your stories (bold and increases font). This could provide more emphasis on key points and add drama. As far as structure goes, I think everything flows really well. The colors are really elegant and simple. I also think the author's note is well placed at the bottom of the story. It allows the reader to enjoy the story and then learn where it had come from. Great job.
I just read your story "The Four Best Friends." I liked that you started with something relatable with the group of ladies not being able to buy what they wanted. That helps build an instant connection with the audience. One thing that made me wonder was how did they know this fortune teller was going to actually help them instead of wasting their time? Did they know about this fortune teller for a long time or did they suddenly come upon that information? I think it would also help to provide more detail. It looks like each girl stopped going with the group once their diamond fell? Also, what was her reasoning and what kind of emotions was she going through when the last girl refused to stay and kept going? It's really unfortunate that the fate of the entire group depended on only one of the girls. I wonder how the rest of the group felt about her and the whole experience afterward? Did they change their ways? Good story!
So, I just finished reading through your first two stories (Adam and Eve and Tales of a Parrot), and I thought you had some interesting ideas. Your Tales of a Parrot retelling was told pretty close to the original story (I also read Tales of a Parrot for one of my weekly readings, and thought the stories were super interesting, and one of my own stories was a retelling of the overarching parrot vs. the adulterous woman story), but you did change quite a few things to make it your own. I did have a couple of recommendations for you, if you're interested in any revisions, though! For one, I was curious why your storybook didn't have an Introduction page - or is this a portfolio project? I think since you have the overarching "Gossip Gal" theme, an introduction page might be helpful! I was also a little thrown off by your home page, where you have written "Greek Mythology" - but then none of the stories on the site so far are from Greek mythology. I think maybe you just mistakenly wrote that for the name of the class, but I wasn't sure. Anyway, good luck with your project!
Hey Madeleine! I just finished going through your home page and introduction, and I really enjoyed reading both of them! One of my good friends absolutely loves Gossip Girl and talks about it all the time, so I quickly caught on to the theme of your storybook. I thought your story was extremely engaging, and I was always wanting to see what happens next. I also think the way you wrote your story fit the mold of an online blog really well. I could imagine a girl sitting behind a computer, typing all this stuff out. I also thought the flashback at the beginning was a smart way to give the reader more context for your story. What if you shortened the title of your pages to really punch one aspect of your story? I think you could pull your reader even more into your world that way. Hopefully my feedback helps you moving forward! Good luck with the rest of your project!
I read your revised story about Adam and Eve, and it was super interesting! I have to say, I've never read a version of the story where Adam was the one persuading Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, so I was really surprised when this came to pass. I like the way you put a modern feel on your writing. The way your write it in a gossip blog is really cool and I would have never come up with that idea myself, so you are really creative. I wonder, was there any reasoning behind having Adam persuade Eve? Was it just to make it a little more juicier, because it definitely did. I’m also curious to your reasoning behind changing the serpent to a black widow! I loved that change, but what was your reasoning behind doing that? What if humanity was always destined to have the knowledge of good and evil, and eating the apple was always meant to happen? Food for thought!
Hi Madeleine, I really like the premise of this story. I never watched the show but I am assuming that the premise of the gossip reporter is based off of Gossip Girl? Is the reporter speaking like a Video? or is it a website/letter type thing?
Its a small detail, but since the spider in the Adam and Eve story is a black Widow, maybe the image at the bottom should be a black widow too? Also, the link to the spider photo takes me to a picture of an apple. Black Widows are pretty evil looking anyway.
In the Four Best friends story, there is quite a bit of space between each paragraph, it kind of breaks up the flow of reading.
When the second girl sees the silver shoes, Gossip Gal says "silver is better than copper," does that mean that the first girl saw copper shoes? it doesn't say in the story.
I think when I was in Indian Epics last semester I saw someone do a similar premise, but with gossip articles about the Indian pantheon of gods. It worked very well, and I think you project is too!
I think you’ve got the tone down, though it does read very much like a modern-day gossip feed on social media and less like an old-time gossip rag. That seems to have been the intention though.
The choice to feature a spider instead of the traditional serpent is interesting. I’d like to see if maybe there’s more you can do with that, since the serpent is so embedded in our collective understanding of this story that I was actually a little jarred when it turned out to be a spider.
In your second story, I think you can move the source links for the image and the original story text down into the author’s note like you did for the Adam and Eve story; I think it helps us stay involved in the world of the story and preserves suspension of disbelief until the end, when we read about what inspired you.
This is my first time visiting your storybook, and I love it! Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows ever, so needless to say I was very when I saw the name of your storybook pop up.
As far as design goes, the images you picked go perfect with the theme of your stories. I especially like the lipstick picture on the home page cover and the pictures of the four friends in your second story. I also appreciate how you put links to your stories on you homepage. This makes the website that much easier to navigate.
One suggestion I have would be to move the image information to the bottom of the page so that it's less distracting and your readers can jump right into the story. The same for the story source information in your second story. Also, I think the picture of the black widow spider might be better placed in the middle of the text, right after the paragraph where you introduce the spider. That way we can get a visual of the spider as we're reading.
Your storybook has one of my favorite themes. I was excited to come back and read The Four Best Friends. You do a fantastic job at matching your writing to the voice of Gossip Girl. As I'm reading, I can just imagine her voice saying the words. I also liked how there was a message at the end of the story. Friendship is much more important any clothes or shoes or riches. I also thought it was funny how the last girl got "old, thrown-out shoes from Walmart." But, to be fair, the two girls before her also walked away from their friend, so it wasn't just her fault that they all lost their fancy shoes.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your storybook. I may just have to go back and rewatch Gossip Girl for the third or fourth time now haha
Hi Madeleine,
ReplyDeleteYou retelling of Tales of a Parrot: Four Rich Persons who Became Poor was fun to read! In your story, you maintained the original message and had a similar plot. I did notice the changes you made to the writing to create a modern feel. There were a few things that were confusing to me. In the paragraph were the girls are on their journey, do all four girls stick together until the gold shoes? After the gold shoes appear, the fourth friend decided to continue on her way by herself? Or are they girls separating one by one based on the outcome? If possible, details could be added into the paragraph to clarify the missing gaps! Also, you could also expand the story at the end! Was their relationship mended after they went to the city? Did the girls behavior change? These are a few recommendations, and I hope this helps!
Hey Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I thought your site was really easy to navigate and I also like how you have a table of contents on the home page as well. I was really excited to read your stories whenever I saw they were Gossip Girl themed, I’m a fan of that show and that was a theme I contemplated doing when I started my portfolio as well!
I love how you set up your Adam and Eve story, and how the tone of voice you used was more casual-gossipy, I feel like if your reader has seen Gossip Girl they would definitely read it in her voice. After reading your author’s note, I think you were successful at updating the language of the story you based it off of! Also, have you considered maybe moving the picture of the spider up? Or even changing it to a modern-day picture of Adam and Eve? I felt like I almost missed it since it was after the author’s note, but just an idea.
Hey there Madeleine! I was drawn in to your project quickly when reading the title. I thought that your homepage was bright, inviting, and matched the theme of what you were going for really well. Upon checking out the rest of your site, I was happy to see that the bright theme continued throughout. You stories are well written, easy to read, and I really enjoyed your author's notes at the end. One thing that you might consider is making the stories seem to be told a little more dramatically in tone, or even throwing in some modern day lingo or phrases just to make the page seem more gossipy. Another tip would be to put a little more emotion in the stories that you are telling. As someone who is narrating don't be afraid to express how shocking or crazy something is to you as someone from the outside looking in. Overall, you did such a great job and I can't wait to check out your project again in the future!
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to start of by saying wow, I loved Gossip Girl and I am so glad you a doing your project with this theme. I have read both of your stories, Adam and Eve as well as the Four Best Friends. I like that you made Adam be the one who eats the forbidden fruit first. In all versions told, it was always Eve who was the temptress. It is a nice spin to make Adam. I also like the change of the serpent to the black widow. To me black widows is general associated with the female entry (probably because of the Marvel character). This way it bring back the femme feel of a woman (the black widow) tempting Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. This is the way I took the story haha. It is probably different than your intention. I also like the Four Best Friends Story. The end felt like a nice lesson story. It told the girls to go back to the city and work on their friendship instead of being consumed by wealth. Great job on your story so far!
Hi Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, great title for the whole blog. I would bet almost every girl chooses to read your blog at some point, just based on the title. When scrolling through, I immediately picked your story because I love gossip girl and was excited someone created a storybook like that.
Great job on your recreation of Adam and Eve. As I was reading through, the style of your writing made the story more interesting. I enjoyed how your said "multiple sources". This made it feel more similar to a gossip blog. I think that it would be interesting to add who your sources were, and why you find them reliable, if you do? Along with more explanation of the sources, I think more drama in your stories would be interesting. Maybe you could add some more bold words, all caps, or punctuation to make it more intense.
I thought your authors note was great. I am going to use yours as a base for mine on my upcoming stories. I think it s very easy to write a short authors note that doesn't help the reader like it should. Yours on the other hand, really helped give a backstory and explanation of where your story came from.
I cannot wait to see what gossip is up next!
Hey Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteIt's cool how you've structured your stories through the central narration of the "Gossip Girl!" I really like how Adam is the instigator of trouble in your version. I've always felt that it would have been the man (aka Adam) who would have been naive and greedy enough to believe the evil creature persuading him to eat the fruit. The idea of the garden freezing over was also very unique - and it explains why no one could ever locate such a garden! On a personal note, I took Laura's Epics of India class last semester and my storybook project was based around Adam and Eve, so I am particularly drawn to reading other people's interpretations of their story now! :)
A few editing notes:
Be careful of over-using semicolons. While they are certainly a useful and legitimate form of punctuation, it often reads smoother to have several shorter sentences, rather than long sentences continually strung together by semicolons. Also take care to vary your syntax; there was one part where you used the word "specific" three times in two side-by-side sentences.
Hi Madeleine! I think it is so awesome how you have your portfolio organized! It is not only engaging, but it is simple. Your stories are relatively shot and easy to understand. I think both of your current stories are great. I also saw that when you comment on other people's walls you sign off as Gossip Girl! That is so creative. Back to the stories, the biggest wow moment for me is the creativity in retelling the stories. You modernize them and make them relevant. I wonder how Gossip Girl feels about these stories. It may be fun to add texture to your stories (bold and increases font). This could provide more emphasis on key points and add drama. As far as structure goes, I think everything flows really well. The colors are really elegant and simple. I also think the author's note is well placed at the bottom of the story. It allows the reader to enjoy the story and then learn where it had come from. Great job.
ReplyDeleteHi Madeleine,
ReplyDeleteI just read your story "The Four Best Friends." I liked that you started with something relatable with the group of ladies not being able to buy what they wanted. That helps build an instant connection with the audience. One thing that made me wonder was how did they know this fortune teller was going to actually help them instead of wasting their time? Did they know about this fortune teller for a long time or did they suddenly come upon that information? I think it would also help to provide more detail. It looks like each girl stopped going with the group once their diamond fell? Also, what was her reasoning and what kind of emotions was she going through when the last girl refused to stay and kept going? It's really unfortunate that the fate of the entire group depended on only one of the girls. I wonder how the rest of the group felt about her and the whole experience afterward? Did they change their ways? Good story!
Hi Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteSo, I just finished reading through your first two stories (Adam and Eve and Tales of a Parrot), and I thought you had some interesting ideas. Your Tales of a Parrot retelling was told pretty close to the original story (I also read Tales of a Parrot for one of my weekly readings, and thought the stories were super interesting, and one of my own stories was a retelling of the overarching parrot vs. the adulterous woman story), but you did change quite a few things to make it your own. I did have a couple of recommendations for you, if you're interested in any revisions, though! For one, I was curious why your storybook didn't have an Introduction page - or is this a portfolio project? I think since you have the overarching "Gossip Gal" theme, an introduction page might be helpful! I was also a little thrown off by your home page, where you have written "Greek Mythology" - but then none of the stories on the site so far are from Greek mythology. I think maybe you just mistakenly wrote that for the name of the class, but I wasn't sure. Anyway, good luck with your project!
Hey Madeleine! I just finished going through your home page and introduction, and I really enjoyed reading both of them! One of my good friends absolutely loves Gossip Girl and talks about it all the time, so I quickly caught on to the theme of your storybook. I thought your story was extremely engaging, and I was always wanting to see what happens next. I also think the way you wrote your story fit the mold of an online blog really well. I could imagine a girl sitting behind a computer, typing all this stuff out. I also thought the flashback at the beginning was a smart way to give the reader more context for your story. What if you shortened the title of your pages to really punch one aspect of your story? I think you could pull your reader even more into your world that way. Hopefully my feedback helps you moving forward! Good luck with the rest of your project!
ReplyDeleteHi Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteI read your revised story about Adam and Eve, and it was super interesting! I have to say, I've never read a version of the story where Adam was the one persuading Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, so I was really surprised when this came to pass. I like the way you put a modern feel on your writing. The way your write it in a gossip blog is really cool and I would have never come up with that idea myself, so you are really creative. I wonder, was there any reasoning behind having Adam persuade Eve? Was it just to make it a little more juicier, because it definitely did. I’m also curious to your reasoning behind changing the serpent to a black widow! I loved that change, but what was your reasoning behind doing that? What if humanity was always destined to have the knowledge of good and evil, and eating the apple was always meant to happen? Food for thought!
Hi Madeleine,
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise of this story. I never watched the show but I am assuming that the premise of the gossip reporter is based off of Gossip Girl? Is the reporter speaking like a Video? or is it a website/letter type thing?
Its a small detail, but since the spider in the Adam and Eve story is a black Widow, maybe the image at the bottom should be a black widow too? Also, the link to the spider photo takes me to a picture of an apple. Black Widows are pretty evil looking anyway.
In the Four Best friends story, there is quite a bit of space between each paragraph, it kind of breaks up the flow of reading.
When the second girl sees the silver shoes, Gossip Gal says "silver is better than copper," does that mean that the first girl saw copper shoes? it doesn't say in the story.
Hi Maddie,
ReplyDeleteI think when I was in Indian Epics last semester I saw someone do a similar premise, but with gossip articles about the Indian pantheon of gods. It worked very well, and I think you project is too!
I think you’ve got the tone down, though it does read very much like a modern-day gossip feed on social media and less like an old-time gossip rag. That seems to have been the intention though.
The choice to feature a spider instead of the traditional serpent is interesting. I’d like to see if maybe there’s more you can do with that, since the serpent is so embedded in our collective understanding of this story that I was actually a little jarred when it turned out to be a spider.
In your second story, I think you can move the source links for the image and the original story text down into the author’s note like you did for the Adam and Eve story; I think it helps us stay involved in the world of the story and preserves suspension of disbelief until the end, when we read about what inspired you.
Best,
A.M.
Hi Madeleine!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time visiting your storybook, and I love it! Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows ever, so needless to say I was very when I saw the name of your storybook pop up.
As far as design goes, the images you picked go perfect with the theme of your stories. I especially like the lipstick picture on the home page cover and the pictures of the four friends in your second story. I also appreciate how you put links to your stories on you homepage. This makes the website that much easier to navigate.
One suggestion I have would be to move the image information to the bottom of the page so that it's less distracting and your readers can jump right into the story. The same for the story source information in your second story. Also, I think the picture of the black widow spider might be better placed in the middle of the text, right after the paragraph where you introduce the spider. That way we can get a visual of the spider as we're reading.
I can't wait to read Gossip Gal's next post!
Brianna
Hi Madeleine! Me again!
ReplyDeleteYour storybook has one of my favorite themes. I was excited to come back and read The Four Best Friends. You do a fantastic job at matching your writing to the voice of Gossip Girl. As I'm reading, I can just imagine her voice saying the words. I also liked how there was a message at the end of the story. Friendship is much more important any clothes or shoes or riches. I also thought it was funny how the last girl got "old, thrown-out shoes from Walmart." But, to be fair, the two girls before her also walked away from their friend, so it wasn't just her fault that they all lost their fancy shoes.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your storybook. I may just have to go back and rewatch Gossip Girl for the third or fourth time now haha